A personal reflection on my Spiritual Growth Journey
Early in my life I measured my spiritual life in superficial ways: reading a certain number of Bible verses daily, serving actively in the church and avoidance of the don’ts. I had been influenced by the secular culture and religious subculture and had bought into the idea that productivity and doing was better than being. I also had a faulty view of God, afraid to get too close to him for I might not please him or he might reject me. I also felt disappointed with him because I thought he hadn’t been there for me in some of the hurtful times of my life. So how could I trust that he would really do what was really best for me. It was difficult for me to grow and mature in Christ because I was stuck in a certain rut on the road of spirituality.
In 2002 I experienced some trials that turned out to be an extreme testing of my faith. I soon realized that my spiritual structure had flaws. It worked all right when things were going well, but when the going got tough it was insufficient. I had been trying to meet my own needs by myself in earthly ways and it no longer worked. These challenges were too big for me!
I was at a crossroad – would I still try to do it my way and risk losing my sanity or would I dare to trust God and let him be in control? I found myself falling into his arms in desperation, but the surprising result was that I experienced his love flowing in and through me for the first time! I fell into his arms and he caught me! I had seen his love at a distance but I was now experiencing it truly for myself. What a paradox that this painful experience would result in what I had really longed for all my life!
As I began to experience God and have a close relationship with him, new doorways of spiritual and emotional growth opened up to me. God began to challenge me during this time to forgive those who had hurt me and those who had betrayed me. One layer at a time I began to let loose of the hurt and anger that I had felt, some from years ago, some from the most recent past. But I struggled with letting go of my right to hold them responsible for their actions. I thought I had forgiven them, but what I had really done was excuse their behavior in hope that they would still love me.
During this time another hurt took place, another betrayal, and there was no seeming feeling of regret. Letting go of this was so difficult because I was afraid if I did not continue to remember the wrongs and stay alert, I might get hurt again. One day I was rereading the story of the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17-22) and God said to me, “Gwen, go sell all your hurt and all the evidence of those wrongs and allow me to have them for my use, and then come follow me”. I could just imagine the love in God’s eyes for me, but I also realized that he would allow me to walk away sad, just like he had the rich young ruler, if I chose not to give it to him.
Thankfully, I had been regularly spending time with God in silence and meditating on his word and was learning to trust him. I wanted to keep my relationship with him fully alive and connected because I had experienced his love and he mattered so much to me. I remember praying, “Lord, keep my hurt in your safe keeping. I give it to you because I trust you.” After that experience, the facts of the situation remained the same, but the hurt and unforgiveness left me. I was stripped of one more thing that could hinder my spiritual wholeness. I could now freely offer those who had hurt me unconditional love and it had nothing to do with their past actions.
Over time I have seen how God has changed me and helped me grow through this time of challenge. What a different person I am now! I am more peaceful and content, no longer needing to wear myself out trying to prove my worth. I can now sit quietly in God’s presence and receive his love. I love to meditate on his Word and it continually feeds me. I enjoy spending time listening to him in solitude and silence which was never comfortable for me in the past. I am now able to give up my rights and yield my way to him and I can trust him, knowing that he has my best in mind.
I have appreciated the prayer of surrender that Catherine McAuley wrote and I have prayed it many times. Here is a part of it: “Teach me to cast myself entirely into the arms of Your loving providence with the most lively, unlimited confidence in Your compassionate, tender pity. Grant me, O most merciful Redeemer; that whatever You ordain or permit may be acceptable to me. Take from my heart all painful anxiety, suffer nothing to sadden me but sin; nothing to delight me but the hope of coming to the possession of You, my God and my all.”
I have begun to understand what II Cor. 1:3-4 means, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (italics added). I am finding God using me in the life of others who struggle with similar issues. It’s like one beggar showing another beggar where to find food! It has been a delight for me to comfort and help others with the comfort I have received from God. What a joy it is to point others to a place of hope and to encourage growth in their lives.
It is still sometimes challenging to protect space in my schedule for time with God, but I am motivated to be with him because he satisfies the deep and empty places of my soul. As I continue to meet with him I find myself being changed by his transforming presence!
