Emotional growth is often more challenging than physical growth or intellectual growth. The process of self-discovery makes us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, especially if we struggle with dealing with emotions and past hurts. However, it is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling endeavors we can embark on.
One of the key issues in emotional growth is the development of the self. The self that God loves is not a fixed-up, pretend self. He loves our actual self – the real us. But we tend to confuse it with some ideal self that we wish we were.
The roots of our pretend self (or what might be called the “false self”) lie in the childhood discovery that if we present ourselves in the way others want us to, we will receive love. This behavior is often reinforced by parents, teachers and those in the church and community. And somewhere along the line we lose touch with our actual self.
A vast difference can be seen between the True self, False self. The false self seeks security and significance by what it HAS, what it DOES and what others THINK of it. It finds its identity in the idealized self – the self it wants others to think it is. The identity of the false self is achieved by means of pretense and practice and is maintained by control and by its own efforts. The life of the false self is a life of excessive attachments, which may include possessions, accomplishments, dreams, memories, or relationships. All of these are blessings when held in open hands of gratitude. But they become curses when grasped in clenched fists of entitlement and viewed as belonging to “me”.
On the other hand, the true self seeks security and significance by being deeply loved by God. Its fulfillment is found in an unbelievable way – in surrender to God. It bases its identity in WHO IT IS and WHO IT IS BECOMING “in Christ”. It is maintained by grace instead of by its own efforts and control. It takes place as we enter into the Christian spirit of being our true self, an image created to mirror the love-image of God.
The false self is deeply entrenched. You can change your name, address, religion, job and outward appearance, but as long as you don’t work on changing it, the false self simply adjusts to the new environment.
In addition, when life experiences confront us with things about ourselves that we are unwilling to accept, we respond with defense mechanisms to help maintain a sense of stability. But defense mechanisms are only meant for short-term coping and will block our long-term growth because they distort reality.
If we are going to deal with our delusions or defense mechanisms, we must have a relentless commitment to truth and a deep sense of freedom from fear of rejection. The true self can exist only in relation to God and we see its clearest expression in the life of Jesus who lived his whole life consistently in relation to God.
God desires and seeks companionship with us every day. But he finds us hiding behind our false self. Coming out of hiding requires that we embrace the vulnerabilities that originally sent us into hiding. So the first step back toward our true self is a step toward honesty.
You may want to try these two things as you move toward becoming your true self:
1. Ask God to help you see what makes you feel most vulnerable, causing you to run and hide. It could be conflict, failure, pain, fear, childhood wounds, emotional upset or loss. Then step out and allow God to embrace you and your vulnerability.
2. Which image of your “self” are you most attached to? Ask God to help you see the ways you defend yourself against vulnerability. Then ask for his help in letting go of these.
When you notice that a trigger or vulnerability has caused you to retreat back into your false self, spend time with God in reflection and journaling. This will help you to identify and process what has happened. Then as you turn your focus back on him and your identity in him, you will return to a peaceful place where your true self can again emerge.
While on the path of growth in Emotional Wholeness, use some of these Stress Reducing Tips to help you find your way back to a peaceful place and connection with God. Learning and practicing these techniques can help you feel more balanced and peaceful on a daily basis and more willing to be vulnerable with God and others.
